my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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