The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
