I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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