Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
