ugly people sure do ruin things
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
