just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
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