you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
thus making me awesome and them whores
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
