I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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