my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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