4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
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