I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
