dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
