I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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