I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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