Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
did you just send me my own nude
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
