genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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