If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
