Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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