it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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