He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I have aggressive nipples.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
