moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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