Well douche your snatch and let's go!
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
