Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
