I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
