I just saw a hot homeless man
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
