i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
You left your phone here
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