I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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