Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
