I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
