i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
