Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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