yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
