but the lizard people decide everything anyway
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
