I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
