did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Randomize
