Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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