I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Everclear isn't food dammit
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
