I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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