I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
