i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize