Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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