And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
