when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
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