so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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