you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
