Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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