i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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