I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She's the barista slut.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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