When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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