Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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