half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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