If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
