this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
