I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize