I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
