All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
the liver wants what the liver wants
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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