So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
