they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
sex in a hospital.. check
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
